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Lying, cheating and gaslighting by a covert narcissist

Lying

Nature of Lies:

  • Covert narcissists often lie to maintain control, manipulate perceptions, or protect their fragile ego. Their lies can be both grandiose and subtle, making it difficult for their partners to discern the truth.

Types of Lies:

  • White Lies: These seemingly harmless lies are used to avoid conflict or discomfort.
  • Exaggerations: They may exaggerate their accomplishments or qualities to appear superior or more interesting.
  • Omissions: By omitting key details, they control the narrative and manipulate how others perceive situations or people.
  • Fabrications: Creating entirely false stories or accusations to manipulate partners' emotions or reactions.

Impact:

  • Constant lying undermines trust in relationships. It creates confusion, fosters insecurity, and causes emotional turmoil for the partner who cannot rely on the narcissist's honesty.

Cheating

Motivations:

  • Validation Seeking: Covert narcissists may cheat to receive external validation and boost their self-esteem.
  • Power and Control: The act of cheating can be a way to exert control and feel superior both to their partner and the person they’re cheating with.
  • Lack of Empathy: Their inability to genuinely empathize with others’ feelings makes it easier for them to betray their partner without remorse.

Patterns:

  • Secret Affairs: Covert narcissists may engage in long-term affairs, skillfully hidden to maintain their primary relationship.
  • Emotional Affairs: They might form intense emotional connections with others, keeping it secret while making their partner feel ignored or insignificant.
  • Serial Cheating: Repeated instances of infidelity can occur, each time rationalized or downplayed by the narcissist.

Impact:

  • Cheating devastates the emotional stability of the relationship. It can cause profound feelings of betrayal, lowering the self-worth of the affected partner and creating long-lasting trauma.

Gaslighting

Definition:

  • Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic where the narcissist makes the partner doubt their own reality, memory, or perceptions. It’s a form of psychological abuse meant to destabilize and control the victim.

Techniques:

  • Denial: Outright denial of events or conversations, even if there’s evidence, causing the victim to doubt their memory.
  • Projection: Accusing the partner of the narcissist’s own misdeeds, thus deflecting blame and increasing confusion.
  • Trivializing Feelings: Dismissing or belittling the partner’s feelings as irrational or insignificant, causing doubt and insecurity.
  • Contradictory Statements: Making contradictory statements to confuse the partner about what is true.

Examples:

  • "You’re imagining things."
  • "That never happened."
  • "You’re overreacting."
  • "You’re too sensitive."

Impact:

  • Gaslighting erodes the victim’s self-confidence, self-trust, and mental stability. It can lead to anxiety, depression, and a sense of worthlessness. The constant self-doubt and confusion can also make it difficult for the partner to leave the abusive relationship, as they may feel dependent on the narcissist’s version of reality.

Overall Impact on Relationships

The combination of lying, cheating, and gaslighting creates a toxic and unstable environment. Partners of covert narcissists often experience significant emotional and psychological trauma. They may feel trapped, doubted, and manipulated, often questioning their reality and self-worth. Recognizing these behaviors and seeking support from trusted friends, family, or mental health professionals is crucial for recovery and healing.

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